


I'm a Man, I'm a Twisted Fool

by anishaphobic, The_Orange_Tabby



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on Ani's dream, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Drowning, Honestly kind of nonsensical, If cape town happened differently, M/M, Near Death, Ocean, Pretty. Odd. Era, South Africa, as a treat, dont worry there's a happy ending, i think, you can have a bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23367508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anishaphobic/pseuds/anishaphobic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Orange_Tabby/pseuds/The_Orange_Tabby
Summary: (title from Glass Animals)After yet another night of playing, tensions run high and the band falls apart in Cape Town. Brendon escapes to the sea for comfort, and Ryan saves him.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie, Spencer Smith/Jon Walker
Comments: 9
Kudos: 20





	1. I wait on you inside the bottom of the deep blue sea

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so, there's a bit of "canon divergence". Instead of performing in the afternoon, Panic! performs in the evening. Ryan never meets that girl. Enjoy.

April 13, 2009

“We are Panic! At The Disco, thank you Cape Town, and have a great night!”

As they exited the stage, the tension in the air materialised, a stifling silence blanketing over the four band members.

“Great show.” Jon commented.

Brendon muttered something under his breath. Ryan shifted his gaze to the floor, as he felt Spencer stiffen behind him, preparing for an argument.

“So I’ve been thinking lately.” Ryan said, quietly, gaze shifting to look at a point on the wall beside Brendon’s head.

“Thinking is all you’ve been doing lately, Ryan! Is our music not good enough for you- Is our band not good enough?” Brendon shouted, eyes blazing with fury. His voice hitched. “Am I not good enough for you?”

Jon took a deep breath, bracing himself for the oncoming storm. “Guys, I’m not sure if we-” He was cut off by Spencer, who put a hand on his shoulder and shook his head.

Brendon was restless, eyes wide and glassy, like a scared rabbit backed into a corner.

“I don’t- you keep acting like you’re better than I am. You- hell, you wrote two songs on your own. I don’t need you, and you don’t need me. You always get what you want, I’m useless now, aren’t I, you- two songs, Brendon, two. ” Ryan snapped, defensive now. “I don’t want to deal with your bullshit, every time you decide you want to whine about- about my lyrics. They’re my words and you keep fucking them up- You- tonight, on stage, what the hell was that, don’t even get me started on-”

“Shut up!” Brendon shouted, hot tears streaming down his face. “I get it- you don’t need me anymore. You’re better than us. So- so just leave.” Brendon’s voice became deathly silent, his sniffles the only sound echoing in the dressing room.

Ryan's eyes widened as the weight of Brendon's words set in. Anger bubbled higher and higher in him, threatening to make him burst. “Fine. I quit.” Ryan said, coldly.

Spencer stared at Ryan, mouth open in shock. “You can’t do this.”

“I can, and I did.”

Spencer felt anger flare up in his body. “Then I’m staying with Brendon,” after a few minutes of shocked silence. Ryan’s face fell for a second before he regained his composure. Fine. If his childhood best friend- Fine. it’s not like he cared anyways.

Jon spoke up quietly. “I’m just, I’m tired of this. I think I should… take a break as well.”

Spencer nodded stiffly. “So that’s it then. This is what we’re doing. Jesus, Ryan, don’t we mean anything do you?”

Ryan stared straight ahead. “If you want to write pop music, go ahead. This wouldn’t have worked out anyways. I. don’t. Need. You.”

Brendon trembled beside Spencer, staying silent. He stared at Ryan, his eyes brimming with tears. Ryan glared right back. “What, are you going to cry? Can you not be an adult, Brendon?”

Brendon’s eyes dropped to Ryan’s feet, and Ryan watched as Brendon’s hands curled into fists. Other than that, Brendon had completely stopped moving- and Ryan watched the usually bouncing boy momentarily turn into stone. Then, Brendon suddenly sprang up, finally moving from the unnaturally still state he was in seconds ago. Ryan breathed out, partly in relief and partly in bubbling anger. He watched as Brendon grabbed his coat and stormed out of the dressing room.

Jon walked over to Ryan and rubbed his back. “Listen, Ryan, it’s alright. We’re done. We don’t have to deal with any of their bullshit ever aga-”

“Jon. Stop. Just stop talking.” Ryan pulled away from Jon, rubbing his temple. Jon backed away, looking like he was on the verge of screaming himself.

Ryan clenched his fists and raced out the door, bits of a conversation forming in his mind. He would tell Brendon to stop acting like a child, because that’s all Brendon seemed to be doing nowadays. Brendon always got what he wanted, and Ryan was tired of it. Brendon needed to start acting mature and making compromises. Didn’t he see that the band wasn’t working out? There was always someone who didn’t agree, someone who wanted something else.

Ryan remembered when the band was recording Mad as Rabbits. Brendon sang about half of the song, and that’s when Ryan had enough.

“No. Stop. You’re getting it all wrong. Why are you making that note into a vibrato?” Brendon jumped when Ryan’s voice boomed into the headphones.

“I- I-” He stuttered.

“Brendon, just- just let me sing that part. You’re...you’re not singing the way I want you to sing it.”

Ryan shook his head, even more angry after remembering the recording process of Pretty. Odd. Too many compromises were made. The record could’ve been better, had Brendon listened to Ryan.

But of course not. Brendon always wins.

Ryan pushed open the building’s main door. As soon as he stepped outside, a gust of wind blew into his face. Ryan breathed in, some of his anger evaporating. He wiped away the sweat on his brow and walked further, heading towards the beach.

Brendon was shaking, tears rolling down his face. He pulled his glasses from his coat pocket and put them on. He blinked, tears blurring his vision, despite the glasses he saw through. He ran a hand through the grains of sand, and focused on the water lapping at his feet. How dare Ryan- calling him childish. Ryan always thought he was better than everyone else- better than him. Fuck Ryan. He blinked back his tears, digging his toes into the wet sand.

As soon as Ryan stepped into the sand, still warm from the afternoon sun, he caught sight of a figure sitting right by the ocean. Ryan squinted and saw dark hair and broad shoulders. He groaned as he recognized Brendon’s bouncing knees. “Not here, not now,” Ryan muttered under his breath. His anger quickly resurfaced, and he kicked off his shoes before bolting towards Brendon, kicking sand up into the air.

Brendon caught sight of Ryan and dove into the water, shoes, shirt and socks forgotten after he ripped them off of himself and threw them onto the sand. He couldn’t deal with Ryan- not now, not ever again. And he didn’t have to. He didn’t care that his pants were wet, or that his wallet was getting soaked, all he could think was to keep swimming. The salt water washed away his tears as he swam. Away from the shore, away from all his problems.

“Brendon!” Ryan screamed. “Stop trying to get away!” Ryan rolled his dress pants up to his knees and waded into the water. He heard shouts coming from behind them and jerked his head around.

“What the hell is going on?” Spencer yelled from the venue door, Jon trailing not far behind.

Ryan stared at Brendon, who showed no signs of stopping. He hesitated, looking back at Jon and Spencer, and dove into the water after Brendon. The waves splashed against him. Absentmindedly, he thought about how he really should have taken swimming lessons. He was distantly aware of Spencer and Jon splashing in behind him, and focused on the moving figure in front of him.

After what felt like an eternity, Brendon finally stopped swimming, heart pounding in his chest. He turned around and squinted at the three blurry figures moving slowly towards him. He took a deep breath, trying to slow his short gasps. It’s a slight struggle to keep himself afloat as Brendon pushes his glasses higher onto his nose and watches as Ryan, Spencer, and Jon get closer.

Ryan spluttered, spitting another mouthful of salt water out, as he saw Brendon finally fall still, treading the water a few meters ahead. With a few kicks, he arrived at the patch of water Brendon was floating in. Something akin to a mixture of anger, indignation, and worry bubbled in his chest.

“B-Brendon,” Ryan breathed. He grabbed onto Brendon’s shoulders to stop any attempt for him to get away. “What- What the hell, Brendon, what were you thinking?” He looked into Brendon’s red eyes. “You fucking idiot, why did you cry?”

Brendon shook his head and tilted his head up, looking at the sky. Ryan followed Brendon’s gaze as Spencer and Jon watched the two, bracing themselves for another dispute.

“You can’t- I’m not-” Brendon babbled. He faced Ryan again. “Ryan. You can’t. You can’t leave.”

Ryan released Brendon’s shoulders. Ryan felt a twinge of guilt, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. “I don’t want to talk about this, Brendon.”

Brendon nodded and closed his eyes. Ryan frowned as he caught sight of another tear winding its way down Brendon’s wet cheeks.

“Come here.” He pulled Brendon in for a hug, inadvertently knocking Brendon’s glasses into the water. Brendon shook in his arms, and his eyes flew open.

“My- my glasses” He gasped, voice trembling. He stared at Ryan for a moment, eyes wide open and wild, and dove downwards.

“Wait- shit, Brendon, don’t-” Ryan started, but Brendon had already disappeared under the waves.

For a moment, everything was quiet, the moon gleaming off the waves. Spencer looked back at the shore, suddenly scared. “We’re so far from the shore. What the hell was Brendon thinking- oh god-”

He turned to glare at Ryan, who was trying to keep his voice firm and determined “He’ll be fine, he’s the best swimmer out of all of us. You’ve seen his energy. He- he’ll be okay.”

The truth was, Ryan was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince the others.

The salt water stung Brendon’s eyes as he dove downward. His lungs were aching already, and the bottom was nowhere in sight. He screwed his stinging eyes shut and kept going, a stream of bubbles trailing behind him.

The ocean was dark, and it was hard to see. Finally, Brendon’s outstretched hand made contact with the sandy ocean bottom. He felt around, heat hammering and lungs aching, becoming desperate now. When his fingers closed around the frame of his glasses, he kicked towards the surface.

He felt his legs going rubbery, his body becoming weaker, and still he kicked, desperate this time, panic overtaking his body. He squinted through the salty water, seeing the three silhouettes of his- his former bandmates -, and blindly reached, vision fading at the edges. He felt something fall as he tugged, and he inhaled, swallowing a lungful of water, blacking out. Glasses still in his grip, he drifted slowly downward.

Time seemed to pass slowly. After what felt like an eternity of awkwardly treading, Ryan felt a tug on his leg. “What the fuck?” A second tug, and Ryan felt his shoe slipping off. “Brendon?!” he screamed, trying to see through the murkiness of the ocean. “Brendon!” Ryan shut his eyes, took a deep breath and sunk underwater.

As soon as his head submerged, he snapped his stinging eyes open and spun in a circle, desperately trying to catch sight of Brendon. He looked down and saw a figure. A still figure. Ryan’s heart jumped to his throat as he saw Brendon sinking.

Ryan dove downwards and grabbed at Brendon, hoping to latch onto something, anything. He swam closer, felt Brendon’s fingers, and closed his own hand around them. Ryan jerked Brendon upwards. Come on, Brendon, Ryan thought. He grabbed onto Brendon’s waist, and with a final burst of energy, pushed them both above the surface.

Ryan gasped and coughed, water splashing into his eyes and blinding him. “Brendon,” he gurgled, spitting out water and coughing weakly. Brendon was limp in his arms.

“Oh my god” Spencer gasped, taking Brendon out of Ryan’s weak grasp and feeling for a pulse. After a few seconds of searching, he breathed out a sigh of relief. “He’s breathing.”

Jon let out a small, weak, relieved laugh, and grabbed Brendon’s waist, supporting him

Ryan pounded on Brendon’s back, trying to get him to spit out whatever water was in his system. “Bren, wake up Bren…” he babbled, his voice strained. “You dumbass, why the fuck would you do that? It’s- it’s fucking dark out here, it’s pitch black, and you-” Ryan cleared his throat and pounded on Brendon’s back again. “Spit it out!”

Brendon’s eyes opened slowly, and he coughed, the water in his lungs spilling out. He took a gasp of air and flailed helplessly, kicking Jon in the chest.

Ryan sobbed in relief, clutching Brendon against his chest, Spencer still supporting the brunt of Brendon's weight.

“You idiot.” He mumbled into Brendon’s wet, tangled hair. “Let’s head back.” Slowly, they swam back, Spencer and Ryan supporting him, while Jon made sure Ryan didn’t collapse from exhaustion. It was a struggle, with Brendon still coughing up water and babbling deliriously.

After a few minutes, Brendon regained some of the color on his cheeks and pushed the tired Spencer away. “It’s okay, you don’t- I can swim on my own again.”

After a good amount of struggling, Brendon stops again, gasping and having trouble with keeping his head above the water. His lungs ached, and he didn’t know if he had the energy to go on. He let out a strangled noise and mumbled “R-Ryan,” clutching Ryan’s arm desperately.

The group stopped and turned towards Brendon. Ryan grabbed Brendon’s hand. “C’mon, we’re almost there, just keep going…” Ryan pulled on Brendon’s hand and they continued their slow progress towards shore.

Suddenly, Ryan felt Brendon’s hand being ripped away from his grasp. Brendon yelped and disappeared underneath the water. Ryan whipped around in panic, eyes scanning the surface of the waves. He watched as Spencer sunk under too.

Jon, however, burst out laughing. Ryan turned to Jon. “What the-” Jon clasped his hands to his mouth, trying to muffle his giggles. Ryan glared. “This is not the time to be laughing, Jon!” Ryan splashed water at Jon’s face, and Jon coughed and sputtered.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry- I don’t know why I was-” Jon gasped for breath, and Ryan looked closer, at his red eyes and trembling mouth.

“It’s ok, I understand,” Ryan mumbled. Jon nodded, eyes wide with fear.

“Brendon? Spencer?!” Ryan shouted, panic churning in his stomach. He was not going to lose Brendon to the ocean once more. Where had Spencer gone- where had Brendon gone-?

“Spencer!” Jon screamed, his voice trembling and cracking. Ryan looked at Jon, registering how panicked his friend was, and felt his own chest growing heavy with anxiety. Jon flapped his arms wildly and dunked his face into the water, trying to locate their friends. Ryan pulled Jon back up, shaking his head. Jon might be a great swimmer, but swimming while panicked was only going to make the situation worse.

He wrapped his arms around Jon’s shoulders and whispered “wait. Brendon might be tired, but Spencer won’t go down that easily.” Jon rested his forehead against Ryan’s shoulder and trembled, but obeyed.

A few agonizing seconds later, Brendon burst through the surface, clutching his head. Spencer resurfaced behind Brendon, holding his hand above the water and gritting his teeth. Ryan and Jon moved towards them, grabbing them and holding on tight.

Ryan gently took Brendon’s hand away from his forehead and gasped. There was a gash on Brendon’s forehead, just above his eyebrows. Brendon grasped his now broken glasses so tightly in his other hand that his knuckles were white. Blood seeped through his cut fingers. Ryan took the glasses and mumbled “You almost drowned for these, and what for?” Brendon just blinked blearily at him, before wiping at his forehead again, smearing the blood on his head and rubbing seawater into the gash.

Jon gingerly held Spencer’s hand, which also had a nasty cut. “Looks like you won’t be drumming for a while, Spence,” Jon remarked. Spencer wheezed in amusement.

“I hate you.”

“Hey, remember that night when I almost drowned?”

“Yes, Jon. You were stupid.”

“Spence, that was a bet for a fucking laptop! I was wise!”

Spencer smiled wearily at Jon. “Whatever you say, Jonathan. Would you like to get out of this water now?”

Jon nodded and swam towards Ryan and Brendon, who were already wading through the shallow water, Brendon swaying on his feet, and then collapsing onto the sand in exhaustion.

Ryan sunk to his knees as well, his legs and arms aching. He watched as Spencer dropped next to Jon on the sand and put his head in Jon’s lap. Jon absently ran his fingers through Spencer’s wet hair.

Ryan sighed and looked at the soaked Brendon, who was sprawled across the sand, one arm thrown over his eyes.

“I think we should go home. Catch a plane. Take a… break,” Ryan mumbled.

At the word “break”, Brendon’s head snapped up. He jerked into a seated position, clutching his head momentarily, and stared, wide-eyed at Ryan.

“You’re serious.” He half stated, knuckles white, eyes wide in fear.

Ryan looked away, guilt twisting in his gut and nodded, glancing over at Jon and Spencer yet again.

Spencer frowned and turned away from Ryan and Jon, facing Brendon instead. He caught sight of the cut on Brendon’s forehead, which was still bleeding, and stood up.

“C’mon, Bren. Let’s go. Think of it like an extended vacation.” Ryan gulped at Spencer’s gruff tone and watched as Spencer helped Brendon up.

Brendon nodded, visibly pale. He swallowed. “I- I need to get my shoes and my- my stuff.”

Spencer scanned the beach, looking for Brendon’s coat. When he saw it, he ran towards it, Jon following slowly. Brendon shivered, hair and grains of sand plastered to his forehead. Ryan stretched a tentative hand towards Brendon, but quickly withdrew it when Brendon flinched, screwing his eyes shut.

“Bren- You have sand in your hair-”

“Don’t.” Brendon said weakly. “Not when you’re going to- what- fucking LEAVE me in a few hours?” An angry spark flickered inside Brendon’s eyes. “Whatever happened to the band? Your vision of us?” He sniffled, then continued, swaying slightly. “What happened to what you said that night, when Pete signed us? What happened to-”

He trailed away as the memory of that night flooded the cool night around them, the waves providing the only gateway to reality.

Ryan’s eyes were wide open as memories rushed towards him. They got signed. Ryan had his arm around Brendon, clutching him tight, shaking him. He promised they would make music together forever, and the label solidified that promise. That night, he’d pulled Brendon in without thinking, and kissed him, right then and there.

Brendon closed his eyes, shivered, and pressed a hand to his forehead. “That night- you said- You and me- the band- we’ll rule the world. Your words- my voice- Spencer’s drumming. You promised.”

Ryan swallowed. He remembered that night like it was yesterday. His first kiss with Brendon. But that was over now.

Spencer jogged back towards them, Brendon’s coat in his hands. “Your phone. It’s in here. We could, uh…” Spencer looked at Brendon, then Ryan, then back at Brendon, understanding dawning on his face. “We could… call the staff… ask them to get our stuff. Book a ticket.”

“We’ll get a taxi. Brendon’s going to the hospital.” Jon mumbled.

Brendon shook his head. “What? No, I don’t need-” He was cut off as his head swam and his vision blurred.

“You’re going to the hospital.” Ryan said bluntly, his tone final. Brendon hung his head in defeat, and dusted himself up, snatching the coat from Spencer’s hands. He opened up his phone and squinted at the screen. 23 missed calls from Zack.

“Shit,” Brendon muttered, calling Zack immediately.

“What the fuck? Is 23 missed calls a great time to call back?” Zack’s voice boomed through the tinny phone speakers. Brendon winced.

“Zack, could you maybe lower your voice a little?”

“Where are you? Are you hungover? Where’s the rest of the band? Brendon, I swear to god-”

“I’m not fucking hungover, you asshole! I bashed my head against a fucking rock!”

“Wh- ALRIGHT, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!?”

“We’re literally right outside the venue. We’re at the beach, for fuck’s sake. For, uh, a swim, I guess. Where have you been sending the crew to look for us?”

“That’s a dangerous beach! It’s illegal to swim there, didn’t you see the signs? You could have drowned! For fuck’s sake, Brendon, riptides, you- It’s fucking… 12:48 am, and pitch black, why the fuck would you- you idiot!

Brendon swayed on his feet again. “Zack,” he mumbled weakly, “just, fucking. We’re alive, alright? We’re okay. Calm the fuck down. Get our suitcases ready and book us a ticket home.”

“What? What happened- you can’t just- Think of the fans, you have more shows scheduled, you can’t just-”

Brendon’s breath hitched. “Yeah, well. We’re taking a break. So. Please, Zack,” a lump formed in Ryan’s throat as he listened to Brendon’s voice become desperate and shaky, “please, I want to go home.”

“Okay. I’ll be right there.”


	2. Lost It All In Pontoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're vibin :_)

Brendon ended the call and took a breath. He shivered and swayed violently, his eyes fluttering as he stumbled into Ryan. Ryan grabbed Brendon’s shoulders, alarmed, and sat himself and Brendon down on the sand. “He needs to go to the hospital,” Ryan said anxiously, looking at Jon.

Jon nodded, grabbed Brendon’s phone and coat from his hands, and looked towards the direction of the venue. “Zack should be here in a few minutes. I’m sure he can arrange something…”

Ryan looked back down at Brendon, who was leaning on Ryan, eyes closed, back to Ryan’s chest. Ryan looked at his own arms, which had wound around Brendon’s shoulders subconsciously, and he sighed. For someone who wanted to leave Brendon and the band, Ryan was doing pretty bad already.

Brendon breathed out and his head lolled against Ryan’s shoulder, until finally resting on the side of Ryan’s neck. “Ryan,” Brendon muttered against Ryan's neck, eyes still closed, “let go of me.”

“Are you fucking joking? Do you see yourself right now? This is what you get for jumping into the water and bashing your head against a rock,” Ryan said incredulously. “You can’t even hold yourself upright. Don’t be stupid, Brendon, and stop fighting me.”

Brendon pried his eyes open and tried to move away, but Ryan pulled him back. “Fuck, Brendon, when will you understand? Just because I’m leaving the fucking band doesn’t mean we can’t _talk_ and I can’t care about you and shit,” Ryan spat.

Brendon sighed, sank against Ryan, and closed his eyes, deciding not to waste his energy.

Finally, Zack came running towards them, along with a few other roadies and staff. Jon, who had given up on standing, instantly sprang to his feet. “Holy shit, you’re all dripping wet-” Zack skidded to a halt and really took in the miserable sight. All four of them were shivering, hair and clothes damp, Spencer with a large cut on his hand, and Brendon on the ground with a wound on his forehead, Ryan holding his shoulders.

“What the fuck were you guys thinking?” Zack yelled, throwing his hands up.

“I- well, Jon and I- we quit the band.” Ryan said, quietly. 

Brendon choked and sat up, crawling away from Ryan and coughing.

Zack blinked. “What?”

Ryan swallowed. “Jon and I are quitting the band.”

A shocked laugh poured out of Zack as he looked at the roadies behind him. “Uh, this is a joke, right?”

Spencer shook his head. 

“No, you guys are going to take some time off, and you’re going to think about it. Just because you had some disagreement doesn’t mean you- Jesus, I don’t even want to know how you guys got injured.”

“Oh, no, no, no, we didn’t- uh, fight, or anything, jesus. Brendon and I crashed into a rock while swimming in the ocean,” Spencer explained hastily.

Zack nodded, an expression of mock understanding on his face. “Oh, yeah, because swimming in the ocean is better than fighting each other. Because there’s definitely less of a chance you’ll die in the ocean, despite all of the warning signs shown _all around the fucking beach._ ”

Spencer looked down, defeated. Brendon cleared his throat. “Not their fault,” he managed. “I jumped in first. Was trying to get away.”

Zack turned to look at Brendon. “So you caused this.”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you so pale?”

“Probably lost… a lot of blood. Take me… hospital?” Brendon breathed, gagging.

Without another word, Zack scooped Brendon up and barked at one of the roadies to call an ambulance. He turned and looked at Jon, Spencer, and Ryan once more. “You wanted a ticket back home?”

Ryan nodded, but Spencer said “I’m not going home until Brendon is released from the hospital.” Ryan cringed as he felt Spencer’s glare on his back.

Zack nodded. “I’ll book all four of your tickets together. You’ve got to wait until Brendon’s discharged.”

Jon nodded in agreement.

“Okay, so start heading to the venue. I’ll take Brendon to the hospital.”

Ryan cleared his throat. “N-no,” he blurted out. 

Zack raised an eyebrow at Ryan. “No?”

Ryan looked down at his feet, feeling heat rise to his cheeks. “W-well, if we’re not going directly home, what’s the point of going to the venue? What are we going to do, sit around in the dressing room while Brendon’s at the hospital?”

Spencer whipped around and opened his mouth, but Ryan cut him off. “No. Just because I said I wanted to take a break from the band, doesn’t mean I’m _heartless._ I- I care about Brendon. He’s… he’s everything, goddamnit, I care. What about the hotel- jesus, what did you think I was going to do, fly home without him?” 

Spencer backed away, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. He looked at Zack. “Well, you got your answer,” he said. “We’re coming with you. To the hospital.”

Zack nodded. “Alright, to the hospital, then. The ambulance should be here any minute now.” He shook Brendon slightly, which made his eyes flutter. “You doing okay, bud?”

Brendon grunted in response.

“Okay. Just don’t throw up on me, Brendon.”

. . .

The ambulance bumped along the pavement- seriously, who designed these roads - Brendon thought absentmindedly. With every bump, his head hurt even more. Zack, Ryan, Jon, and Spencer sat in the back with him, silently staring at the ground. Occasionally, Zack would try to ask a question, but Spencer waved him off.

At some point, when the nurses had stopped fiddling with Brendon’s head and sat down, Brendon heard some more shuffling. He didn’t want anyone else touching his head and groaned. Suddenly, Ryan came into Brendon’s vision. Brendon immediately tried to sit up, which only made him dizzy.

“No, no, lie your injured ass back down,” Ryan said softly, cracking a small smile. Brendon stopped struggling and obliged, lying back down on the uncomfortable gurney.

“Sorry.” 

Ryan blinked. “What?”

“Sorry for all of this… getting Spencer hurt, almost drowning.”

Ryan heard a sharp inhale from Spencer, but before he could speak, the ambulance ground to a halt, and the doors opened.

The next few hours were a tired, sleepy blur, and at some point, they’d changed out of their wet clothes and were back at the hotel. Ryan pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and exhaled. This was supposed to be a fun trip to South Africa. They were supposed to be having fun after the show. 

What were they doing instead? They’re sore and half-dead. Brendon had 13 stitches in his forehead, and Spencer had a bandage on his hand.

Ryan wearily looked at Jon, who was sprawled across one of the hotel beds, already asleep. Voices drifted from inside of the bathroom, and Ryan strained to listen.

“I thought he- you said-” Spencer exclaimed.

“Well, things change.” Brendon let out a bitter laugh. “Ever since Keltie, which, I’m not even going to think about that, he’s been different.”

There was a moment of silence. 

Ryan swore he heard his heart stop beating. He knew exactly what they were talking about. He evened out his breathing, pretending to be asleep, as the bathroom door opened. He heard footsteps and the sound of what he assumed to be Brendon’s shaky breathing getting closer.

“It’s like he doesn’t care anymore.” Brendon said, defeated.

“About you?”

“About me, about this band, about our future. About everything.”

Ryan felt a sudden pang of emotion, and the prick of tears at the corners of his eyes. He did care. He really did.

“Bren, I- He does care-” Spencer said, softly, almost inaudible.

“What the fuck makes you think that? Have you seen the way he acts around us?”

“He chose to stay. With you.”

“Spence, all of you came with me to the hospital. He couldn’t have just stayed in the hotel alone, obviously he’d have to follow—”

“ _Brendon._ ”

“What?” Brendon asked, exasperated.

“Listen to me, okay?” Ryan heard a rustling of sheets and opened his eyes the tiniest bit to see what was going on. He squinted through the dim light of one lamp and watched as Spencer moved closer to Brendon and put his hand on Brendon’s head, ruffling his hair. Then Spencer put his arm around Brendon’s shoulders. Brendon sighed and leaned into Spencer’s touch immediately. Ryan felt a bit of jealousy at how quickly Brendon accepted Spencer’s comfort—he didn’t fight Spencer’s touch at all.

“I’m listening,” Brendon mumbled.

“What do you remember after Zack got to us?”

“Uh, barely anything. It was kind of a blur.”

“Yeah, because you weren’t even fully conscious. At that point, you’d lost a lot of blood.” Spencer took a deep breath. “Really, the only reason why the entire band came to the hospital with you was because of Ryan. He was the one who argued that there was no point of going to the hotel if you weren’t going to be there either. He said… you’re everything, Bren. He really cares. He just doesn't know how to show it.”

Ryan’s eyes widened, trying to be as quiet as possible. He could have sworn Spencer was looking right at him when he said that.

After a pause, Brendon sighed again. “I wish he said that to my face.”

“He will, Bren. You can’t forget that Ryan needs time.”

“He always does.”

“Yeah,” Spencer agreed, smiling. His eyes landed right on Ryan’s for a second, before he looked away quickly.

Ryan’s chest swelled with gratitude towards Spencer. He didn’t mind that his childhood best friend knew he was awake—instead, he felt immensely grateful for Spencer. Hopefully Brendon wouldn’t hate Ryan now.

Ryan watched as Spencer held Brendon closer to himself protectively. Brendon rested his head on Spencer’s shoulder and sighed. “I’m sorry, Spence,” he whispered.

“What for?”

“Your hand.”

Spencer lifted up his free hand, the bandaged one, and shrugged. “Neither of us saw that rock coming,” Spencer replied easily. “This’ll heal within a few days. You practically saved me from it anyway. If you hadn’t been in front of me, I would’ve hurt more than just my hand.” Spencer chuckled. “Look at you, with the stitches on your forehead.”

“I’m so stupid,” Brendon said, slurring slightly, his eyes drooping.

“I agree,” Spencer said, laughing softly again. Brendon hummed and closed his eyes. Ryan felt another pang of jealousy choking his throat.

“You aren’t leaving my stupid ass, right Spence?” Brendon mumbled.

“No, Bren, never.”

“Thanks.”

Spencer sighed. “Brendon, stop thinking about this. I’m not leaving. And even if Ryan’s leaving, that doesn’t mean he won’t stop caring about you, about us, don’t you think?”

Brendon was silent.

Spencer shook Brendon gently. “Hey,” he said, looking at Brendon.

Brendon straightened. “Spencer, I’m tired,” he said. Ryan couldn’t tell whether Brendon wanted to avoid the question or whether he’d actually fallen asleep for a moment, and it drove him crazy. He wanted assurance. He wanted to know what Brendon thought.

Spencer’s face fell, but he nodded. “Yeah, alright. Get some rest.” Spencer got off of Brendon’s bed and headed to the bed next to it. Brendon simply laid down on his bed. Not soon after, both Brendon and Spencer were asleep, and Ryan himself could feel the Sandman's fingers dragging him down into darkness. He dreamt of wet eyes and salty, bloody, fingers. The dark water swallowed his feelings and washed away the secrets, just like that night, almost three years ago.

When Ryan woke, the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Brendon. A few feet away, to Ryan’s left, Brendon was on the edge of his small bed, arm dangling off the bed, his fingers almost touching the floor. As Ryan blinked and tried to sit up, Brendon grunted, scratched at the bandage on his forehead, and turned in his sleep, completely facing Ryan now. Ryan stared, unable to look away. He smiled subconsciously, looking at the shadows that Brendon’s eyelashes cast on his cheeks. He looked so peaceful. Ryan shook himself and blinked. _What the fuck_ , he thought.

He finally pried his eyes away from the sleeping Brendon and looked around. On the bed to Ryan’s right, Jon was still fast asleep and snoring. Really loud. Spencer was on the bed on the other side of Brendon, and he was facing the wall. Even he wasn’t awake just yet.

Ryan leaned towards the bedside and grabbed his phone, turning it on to check the time. _Why the fuck am I awake at 5 am?_ he thought to himself. He groaned, flopping back on the bed, closing his eyes and trying to sleep for the precious few hours that were left. Just as Ryan’s eyelids started to droop, Brendon made a small noise and shifted around in his bed, making it creak.

Ryan huffed and buried his face deeper into the blankets. Brendon tossed and turned in his bed again, whimpering. Ryan stared at the ceiling, hoping it would stop. After a few moments, Brendon fell silent, and when Ryan glanced over, Brendon's cheeks were wet with tears, a cold sweat over his body.

“Shit.” Ryan mumbled to himself. He padded over to Brendon’s bed and sat down as quiet as he could. He smoothed a hand over Brendon’s forehead, and quickly pulled away as the sleeping Brendon whined. Ryan’s gaze landed on Brendon’s left hand, which was trembling, as if he were clutching something. Ryan felt his stomach knot as he remembered all the trouble they went through earlier that night when Brendon almost drowned trying to get his glasses.

Ryan leaned over and gingerly stroked Brendon’s left hand, which was so tightly clenched that his knuckles were starting to turn white. Brendon whimpered again, his voice shakier than before, and Ryan looked up. Brendon’s brows were furrowed, the stress lines on his forehead deepening. Brendon started gasping for air. Ryan jumped and looked at Jon and Spencer, making sure neither of them had awakened because of Brendon, and then shifted on Brendon’s bed, laying down next to him. Ryan took Brendon’s clenched hand, massaging his knuckles gently.

He barely suppressed a yelp when Brendon’s hand closed around his, clamping it in a vice-like grip. Brendon exhaled, his breathing slowing down slightly. Ryan looked at Brendon’s face then back at their hands. Ryan gently tried to get Brendon to release his hand, to no avail. Brendon wouldn’t let go of Ryan’s hand. _Oh,_ Ryan realized, _of course he wouldn’t let go of his glasses after almost drowning when trying to get them._ _He won’t let go...of my hand. Fuck._

Ryan leaned towards Brendon, and with his other hand, wiped away Brendon’s tears. The tension left Brendon’s face as Brendon relaxed into his touch. Finally, Brendon fell silent. Ryan smiled as he gazed at Brendon’s sleeping face. Once again, he tried to pull his hand from Brendon’s grasp, but Brendon’s fingers were tight around Ryan’s hand. “No,” Brendon mumbled, and Ryan jumped. He sighed in relief when he saw that Brendon was still asleep.

As tired as Ryan was, Brendon was clearly not willing to let go of his hand, so he shifted his position and lay down on the bed. With their fingers still interlaced, he fell asleep to the sound of Brendon’s even breathing.

. . .

Brendon slowly woke, with the unfamiliar sensation of an arm on his waist. He opened his eyes and squinted, then closed them immediately, cringing at the light streaming through the hotel window. “Who the fuck left the curtains open?” he mumbled, cuddling closer to the figure spooning him.

_Wait._

Who the fuck-

Brendon’s eyes shot open and he turned around. _Ryan._ Ryan had his arms wound tightly and posessively around his waist, definitely still fast asleep, and was breathing heavily but quietly in contrast to Jon’s snoring.

Brendon closed his eyes for a moment, sleep still clouding his mind. If only he could have a few more minutes like this, just him and Ryan. Just the two of them, intertwined with each other under the blankets. He sleepily buried his face into Ryan’s chest and breathed in, trying to relax, and just so happened to breathe Ryan in. _He smells good_ , Brendon thought, then inwardly kicked himself. What the fuck? This wasn’t right.

Brendon tried to peel away from Ryan, keeping in mind that Ryan was leaving the band anyway. None of this would matter after a while. He’d be gone, and this wouldn’t mean anything. As much as the thoughts threatened to make tears well up in Brendon’s eyes, he knew it was the truth, and he knew he’d have to deal with it. Brendon took Ryan’s hand from his waist and gently moved it away, sitting up.

He desperately tried to remember what had happened that led to Ryan getting into his bed. Vague flashes of a nightmare was all he was able to recall, and even those were quickly fading. Brendon sighed and stared at Ryan for a few minutes, his eyes running over Ryan’s soft hair and closed eyes, his fingers itching to touch, though he knew he shouldn’t. He let out a frustrated grunt as he quietly got out of the bed and headed for the bathroom.

Brendon stumbled into the bathroom, rubbing his eyes. He jumped as he saw Spencer standing in the bathroom, toothbrush in his mouth. “Sp-Spencer?” Brendon asked dumbly, wondering, in panic, whether Spencer had seen himself and Ryan sleeping together.

Spencer raised an eyebrow at Brendon, spit out his toothpaste, and rinsed his mouth. Brendon grabbed his toiletry bag, and after anxiously getting out his toothbrush and toothpaste, he brushed his teeth, avoiding Spencer’s unreadable expression. _He totally knows_ , Brendon thought in dismay.

Spencer cleared his throat. “When did Ryan get into your bed?”

He shivered. Spencer had gone straight to the point, which Brendon was not ready for. He turned to Spencer and shrugged.

“You don’t know? Were you asleep the whole time?”

Brendon nodded.

“What the fuck?” Spencer muttered.

Brendon shrugged yet again, still looking pointedly at the counter.

“Brendon. Look at me.”

Brendon lifted his gaze from the marble counter of the hotel bathroom to look at Spencer, spitting out his toothpaste. He picked up his cup, ignoring the way his hand shook. Brendon slowly took a sip of water and swished it around in his mouth, stalling for as long as he possibly could.

Spitting out the water, he finally spoke. “I don’t know what he’s thinking, leaving the band then doing this- I’m not some kind of object, I don’t understand why he’s doing this to me. It’s not fair, he can’t just- Spencer, help, please,” his voice trailing off into a pleading tone.

“Are you in love with him, Brendon?” Spencer asked, voice gentle.

Brendon dropped the cup.

“Wh- I-”

“Brendon, are you in love with Ryan?” Spencer asked again, more firm.

Brendon blinked. _“Spencer!”_

“Brendon, it’s a perfectly normal fucking question, just answer it!”

Brendon looked down at a towel and picked it up, starting to dry his face, but then hiding his whole face behind it. Spencer walked closer and snatched the towel away, grinning. “So you _are_ in love with him!” he exclaimed.

Brendon trembled, his face red. “I-I don’t fucking know, okay? He’s…” Brendon softened. “He’s very important to me, and I can’t lose him.” Brendon’s breath hitched, and he really looked into Spencer’s eyes, his own eyes desperate. “I can’t lose him, Spencer. He can’t leave.”

Spencer’s expression became genuinely sympathetic as he felt his heart shattering at Brendon’s helplessness. He put his hand on Brendon’s shoulder. “You love him, Brendon.”

Brendon shook his head. “Nah,” he said bluntly.

Spencer scoffed, and then softened again. “What would you do if Ryan left the band, Bren?”

Brendon looked down at his feet. “I don’t want to think about what’d happen if he left,” Brendon whispered. He felt Spencer’s hand squeeze his shoulder, and he took a shaky breath. “He’s- he’s- just, I can’t do this without him, Spence. If he left, I don’t think I could do this anymore. I can’t.” Brendon felt his eyes get watery, looked at Spencer, and laughed tearily. “Fuck, man, Ryan’s- fuck. I think I, uh, I lo-” Brendon’s words caught in this throat.

Spencer turned his piercing blue eyes on Brendon, and Brendon felt as if Spencer could see right through him, as if Spencer knew all of his little secrets. Spencer said nothing more, and exited the bathroom with a meaningful glance outside.


	3. So tell me to leave, I'll pack my bags, get on the road

Brendon sighed and stared at himself in the mirror. He cringed at his red eyes, at his face which was blotchy from all the crying he’d done the past day. He fingered the bandage on his forehead, and then looked at his hand, which was also covered in small cuts, presents his now broken glasses had given him. “Fucking glasses,” he muttered, “stupid things.” He ran his hands under the water, and carefully wet a towel, wiping his face carefully, making sure not to touch the bandage.

Brendon didn’t want to - well, he wasn’t ready- to see what was under the bandage yet, but it was really uncomfortable, his skin itching and irritated. He sighed again, and put down the towel.

He froze as soon he got out of the bathroom. Ryan was awake, and he was sitting on Brendon’s bed talking to Spencer.

_ Oh fuck, if he’s talking about me- _ Brendon thought uneasily. He slowly backed back into the bathroom and hid behind the door, trying to catch bits of their conversation.

“I don’t know what you want me to do, you know this was coming-” Ryan’s urgent whisper came from the room.

“I thought we’d work it out- y’know, like we used to, Ryan. We’ve known each other since we were four, for fuck’s sake. This- leaving the band, even for you, is too much. Not to mention what you did.”

A silence settled over the room for a moment.

“I don’t- What?”

“Brendon. What the hell were you thinking, man?” Spencer lowered his voice, as Brendon strained to listen. “Make up your mind.”

Brendon heard another pause, and imagined Ryan closing his eyes, annoyance tinging his voice. “Spence- leave it.”

“Leave what? You’re just playing with his emotions-”

“He was having a fucking nightmare!”

“You’re playing with his emotions,” Spencer said honestly. After a pause, Spencer spoke up again. “Why did you sleep with him if he was having a nightmare? Why didn’t you just wake him?”

Brendon’s eyes widened. He peeked into the room. Ryan was glaring at Spencer. “Spencer,” he started, and Brendon watched as Ryan struggled to come up with a comeback, “he- he wouldn’t let go of my hand.” Ryan whispered. His shoulders slumped as he seemed to curl into himself.

Spencer seemed to have some understanding look in his eyes. He turned and looked in the direction of the bathroom, and Brendon quickly ducked behind the door again. He turned his back towards the door and took deep breaths, trying to slow his shaky breathing.

“Ryan,” Spencer pressed, “you’re special to him, do you know that?” A pause, and then “is he special to you?”

Brendon heard the sheets rustling, and then Spencer spoke again. “Don’t think I can’t tell, Ryan,” Spencer said wistfully. “I know my childhood best friend well. Just a look into his eyes and I know he’s in love.”

Another pause. “I don’t- Spencer. It’s not going to work out if we keep… arguing… about music, about the band. I have to do this.”

“You’ll break him,” Spencer insisted.

“I’m scared I already have, Spence.”

Brendon cleared his throat and stepped out of the bathroom, doing his best to look sleepy and oblivious. Normally, that wouldn’t be too difficult, but Brendon had just overheard a conversation about Ryan’s feelings for himself, and Brendon was definitely wide awake now.

Ryan and Spencer jumped, turning towards Brendon. “H-hey, Bren,” Ryan stuttered. Spencer gave Ryan a questioning look as Ryan’s face turned red.

“Hey,” Brendon replied as he forced out a yawn. Spencer got up and headed towards the bathroom again, mumbling something about a shower as he closed the door. Brendon glanced at Jon, who was (still) snoring away on his bed. He seemed like he had no intention of waking up anytime soon. “Uh,” Ryan said, eloquent as ever. 

Brendon faced Ryan, expectant. “Yeah?” He sat down right next to Ryan on his bed.

“Um, you were having a nightmare last night,” Ryan managed.

“Oh,” Brendon said, feigning understanding and relief. “Oh, that’s why…”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, that’s- that’s the only reason why I, you know.”

“Slept with me,” Brendon finished, to which Ryan nodded. “Thanks, man,” Brendon said, smiling softly.

“Hey, anytime,” Ryan replied.  _ For you, anytime.  _ “Last night, the swim. Must’ve been pretty scary for you, hadn’t it?”

“Sure was.”

“You gave us all a scare.”

“Did I?” Brendon asked. 

Ryan nodded, a small smile making its way across his face.

“Ah,” Brendon said, shyly smiling back. 

Swallowing, Brendon leaned forward, heart pounding, and before his brain caught up to his body, he was kissing Ryan.

Ryan made a muffled noise of surprise and pushed Brendon away.

“You don’t know what you’re doing. Bren-” 

Brendon felt tears prickle at the corner of his eyes. “I thought you wanted this- I- You want this, don’t you?”

Ryan sighed, wrapping Brendon in a hug. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You shouldn’t feel obligated to- to- do this just because we saved you- I don’t-”

Brendon wriggled out of his hug and looked at Ryan with those big, and- oh god- teary eyes of his, and Ryan sighed. 

“Brendon, I don’t- You don’t want this. Not with me, and not now.” 

“I do, Ryan, I really fucking do. And- I know you want this too. ” Brendon grasped Ryan’s hands.

“Wh-” Ryan was cut off by Brendon kissing him again.

This time, Ryan kissed back.

When the kiss finally broke, Brendon had a content smile on his lips, and Ryan’s eyes seemed to be just a little brighter. 

Confusion clouded over Ryan’s features. “How did you- how did you know I wanted this?”

Brendon looked away, staring at the ground. 

“Jesus Christ, Brendon! Can’t you respect someone’s privacy?” Ryan snapped, irritated.

“I was- I was in the  _ bathroom _ , Ryan, which is right  _ there. _ ” Brendon pointed at the bathroom, as if Ryan didn’t know. “Besides, we’ve been friends for years, I...I guess. We’ve had feelings for each other before. It’s, well, it’s natural to want each other again, isn’t it?” Brendon frowned. “It doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

“It does! I don’t- Who do you think you are, eavesdropping on my  _ personal _ conversation with Spencer- This kind of shit keeps happening and I’m tired of it. Jesus, Brendon!”

“Well I’m sorry- you were right there and I don’t understand-”

“Whasgoin on?” Jon slurred, sitting up.

Brendon and Ryan froze, turning to look at Jon.

“Uh- um-” Brendon started, but Ryan cut him off.

“ _ Brendon _ here had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Spencer,” Ryan spat.

Jon rubbed his temple and yawned loudly, his jaw cracking. “Bad, Brendon, bad,” he mumbled, not quite listening.

Brendon scratched his bandages and winced. “Ryan, please, I was in the bathroom and it was easy to fucking listen. I wasn’t trying to, it just happened, Ryan, so please…” He turned towards Ryan, anxiety making his eyes look dark and wild. “Just when things start to get better. Please don’t snap at me, Ryan. Please don’t shut me out again.”

Ryan swallowed. “Brendon, you’re out of it...you don’t know what you’re saying. This isn’t what you want.”

Brendon nodded. “Yeah, this isn’t what I want! I want us to accept each other, for us to be completely fine with each other! I want to be able to show you just how important you are to me-”

“We  _ can’t _ , Brendon? Don’t you see?” Ryan yelled, making Brendon freeze and Jon jump. “We  _ can’t! _ We can’t be completely fine with each other! Not now, not ever! We can’t even fucking get along in the studio! Fuck the studio, look at us now! What are we doing? We’re arguing! We can’t!” Ryan fell silent in contrast to his sudden burst, panting angrily.

Brendon stared at Ryan in shock.

Ryan took a deep breath. “You have to understand that this won’t work out. I have to leave the band.”

Brendon shook his head. “No,” he said, voice barely audible, shrinking down upon himself. “You don’t have to leave, Ry,  _ please _ ,” he begged. “It’ll break me, and I know for sure it’ll break you too.”

Ryan looked away. “I need to leave. For the sake of our friendship. So that we don’t end up- I don’t know- fucking- tearing each other apart.”

“And you think running away will solve that? What makes you think leaving won’t tear us apart?” Brendon asked, voice flat, trying to hide any emotion.

Jon blinked, now fully awake and listening to the argument. “Guys, I don’t think-”

“Shut up.” Brendon snapped.

Jon flinched, and headed to the bathroom, where he could hear water running.

Ryan sighed, giving up on trying to win an argument. “I don’t know if anything will solve this. Just- for our own good, we should stay friends.”

There was a pause as Ryan’s words sank in. Then, Brendon spoke, but it was so quiet that if Ryan didn’t strain to hear it, he would’ve missed it completely. “Then why… why did you kiss back?”

Ryan shivered. “I-”

“If you want us to stay friends, why did you kiss back?”

Ryan shook his head miserably. “I couldn’t- I can’t- couldn’t help it- it’s you-” he stuttered.

“Me? What?”

“It was always you,” Ryan mumbled.

“What?”

“You’re falling… for  _ me _ .”

Brendon frowned. “Why the fuck are you-”

“Brendon. I can’t not kiss you back when I know you love me-”

“So you fucking kissed me back because of my feelings, so you didn’t kiss me back on your own, those weren’t your feelings at all and you’re just playing with-”

“No! It’s not like that. Brendon, I-I have feelings for you too- I would  **never** -”

Brendon trembled, though his face hid all emotion. “Then  _ why? _ ” he whispered. “Fucking tell me what you want, because I don’t know how much longer

“I- I don’t know, Bren.”

Brendon nodded and looked away. Ryan looked directly at Brendon, willing for their eyes to meet, but Brendon seemed to have no desire to even glance towards Ryan.

“Brendon, please, I don’t-”

“You can’t decide?”

“I don’t KNOW, okay? I’m not- I don’t- Ever since Keltie- I-” His voice becoming frantic.

“Shh,” Brendon finally turned, holding his finger up against Ryan’s lips. “L-Listen, I...I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to be anything more than friends ever again, s-so,” Brendon stuttered. He then took a deep breath. “Just in case we never, you know. Can you please, just, fucking, shut up and kiss me?”

Ryan felt tears well up in his eyes. “Okay.” He whispered hoarsely, and cupped the back of Brendon’s head for another kiss. When their lips met, Ryan could feel Brendon’s uneven breathing and he felt tears go down his cheeks.  _ I’m going to kiss you and never let go, _ Ryan thought.  _ I won’t let go. _ Ryan felt sobs trapped in his throat and tried to push them down.

After a few more seconds of shaky breathing and choked sobs, Brendon finally pulled away, wrapped his arms around Ryan, and buried his face into Ryan’s chest. A sob escaped Ryan as he held onto Brendon tight.  _ I’m not going to let go, _ Ryan’s thoughts pleaded. He buried his face into Brendon’s hair and closed his eyes.

The bathroom door opened, revealing a flustered Jon and a slightly damp Spencer, but the sound only caused Brendon’s arms to tighten even more around Ryan. Spencer stopped in his tracks as his eyes found Ryan and Brendon wrapped around each other tightly. Brendon’s face was buried into Ryan’s chest, and when Spencer caught Ryan’s eyes, he inhaled sharply. There were tears glistening in them. 

“Zack called while I was in the shower. We have a flight to catch.” Spencer said, quietly.

This time, it was Brendon who pulled away. He regained his composure, and said gruffly “let’s go.” Ryan’s heart broke just a little more when he saw Brendon’s puffy eyes and stony expression.

“C’mon, Zack’s waiting outside.” Jon said, taking Spencer’s hand.

Ryan glanced curiously at the two, then trailed after the determined Brendon.

The trip to the airport was blanketed in stifling silence, and time seemed to slow to a trickle, Ryan aware of every action Brendon made. Every subtle glance, every look exchanged between Spencer and Jon seemed to be another needle prickling at Ryan’s emotions.

When the bus arrived at the airport and the band had filed out of the vehicle, the four stood awkwardly in a group as the roadies ran around to grab carts for their baggage.

“Uh. So it looks like Brendon and I are sitting together.” Spencer said, as he scanned over the tickets.

Brendon nodded silently, not looking at anyone. He was unusually subdued, as if a gray cloud hung over him. It was only after they’d gotten through customs and sat down in the waiting area that Brendon did something. 

“Ryan.” He whispered.

Ryan twisted around to look at Brendon. “Yeah?”

“Please? Stay?”

Ryan’s expression softened. “You know I can’t.”

Brendon nodded and his eyes dropped to Ryan’s hand. He reached over and gently ran his fingers along Ryan’s knuckles, leaning back in his chair. “Last time,” he whispered, and Ryan nodded, understanding. He offered his open palm to Brendon, who gratefully laced their fingers together and squeezed.

Thankfully, Jon and Spencer didn’t say anything, but only cast sad glances towards them. 

“Stay friends?” Brendon asked.

Ryan smiled hesitantly. “I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to.” The smile slipped off his face as soon as he said that, and Brendon gripped his hand even tighter.

“We’ll work something out.” Brendon mumbled. “Right? I want us to work something out.”

Ryan nodded, leaning onto Brendon’s shoulder, and dozed off. 

Brendon looked at the sleeping Ryan on his shoulder, and didn’t have the heart to wake him, fearing that he’d slip through Brendon’s fingers yet again. Instead, he just held Ryan’s hand tight and occasionally gazed at Ryan, at his dark eyelashes, at his beautiful, relaxed face. He let his thoughts wander as they sat on the chairs, waiting to board, which would be announced hours later.

“Jon?” he asked suddenly.

“Yeah, Bden?” Jon responded, turning to look at him.

“I’m sorry.”

Jon blinked in surprise. “For what?”

“For yelling at you, earlier in the hotel room. That wasn’t very nice of me.”

Jon smiled, the soft -somehow catlike- grin that made Brendon feel happy inside. “No worries, we all get angry sometimes.”

Brendon pouted. “Not you, J-Walk, you never fucking do.” 

Spencer punched him lightly on the arm. “Stop flirting with Jon.”

Jon stuck his tongue out at Spencer. “Jealous?”

“Only of your mom,” Spencer replied instantly.

Brendon snickered under his breath, cursing when Ryan’s head almost slipped off his shoulder.

Jon glanced at Ryan. “For your sake, I hope that you two work something out.”

Brendon pressed his mouth into a thin line, and frowned “I hope so too.” He looked up suddenly, a spark in his eyes. 

“Jon. Jonathan. J-Walk.” 

Jon sighed.

Brendon turned his infamous puppy eyes on Jon. “Jon, you’re sitting with Ryan, right? What if- what if you asked him to come back. Jon, please-”

“Brendon.” Jon said, his tone warning.

“Jon, please. He’s everything. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

“Fine. On one condition.” Jon countered.

“Yes, anything.” 

Jon leaned in close to Brendon. “If this works, you need to take care of him. That means no more stupid arguments, ok? If you break his heart, you know I’m going to leave with him.”

Brendon nodded, eyes wide. “So you’re staying too?”

“Yeah, can’t leave the lovesick fools to fend for themselves, can I?” Jon teased, ruffling Brendon’s hair.

. . .

Ryan woke to Brendon fucking massaging his scalp.  _ Feels so good _ , Ryan thought blissfully, at first.  _ What the fuck? Why is he- _ Ryan’s thoughts got interrupted when Brendon spoke. “Hey, Ry,” he said gently.

“Whaisit?” Ryan slurred, blinking awake.

“Hey, we’re about to board, come on.”

Ryan let go of Brendon’s hand. “We’re leaving now?”

“Yeah,” Brendon said, pulling out his ticket and reading through it once more.

He sat up and turned to look straight at Brendon’s face. He frowned when he couldn’t read Brendon whatsoever, already feeling like Brendon was miles away.  _ I wasn’t going to let you go _ , his thoughts pleaded desperately. Brendon looked up from his ticket, realizing that Ryan had been staring, and raised an eyebrow. Ryan tried desperately to manage a smile despite the fact that he felt like bursting right then and there.

“So,” Brendon said, “this is it, isn’t it?”

“What is it?” Ryan asked, understanding exactly what Brendon was trying to say but not wanting to acknowledge it.

“It’s… well. You’re sitting with Jon, right?”

Ryan hesitated a little before nodding.

“We-we’ll see each other again, right? After the plane lands?”

That’s what Ryan hoped for. He didn’t see it happening, but he wanted it. Internally, he wished desperately that it would happen. “I don’t know,” Ryan said instead. “Maybe we will.”

“I hope we do.”

“Me too.”

Brendon grabbed Ryan’s hand and gave it one last squeeze, his brief smile wavering on his face. Then he turned away quickly, hiding his face, and rushed towards Spencer, not even saying bye. 

Ryan turned towards Jon, who was checking all of their baggage. Jon looked up. “You ready?” he asked. Ryan nodded, and grabbed two suitcases. They both headed towards the boarding gate together, neither of them saying a word.

Once Brendon and Spencer were comfortably seated next to each other on the plane, Brendon leaned back in his seat and sighed loudly.  _ This is unfair _ . Brendon thought, crossing his arms. Ryan and Jon were on the opposite end of the plane. Spencer smoothed a hand over Brendon’s hair as if he were petting a dog.

Brendon pouted. “Spencer, stop.”

“Aww, is my little teenager feeling extra moody today?” Spencer grinned.

Brendon looked at Spencer miserably. “Yes, Spin,” he said, voice dripping with heartbreak.

Spencer ruffled Brendon’s hair again. “Hey, it’ll be okay. Everything will be okay, Bden. I promise,” Spencer said, his voice sympathetic. He pulled Brendon’s head onto his shoulder, and Brendon sighed and closed his eyes, enjoying Spencer’s touch, Spencer’s fingers moving around in his hair. 

Brendon opened his eyes briefly to put in his earbuds and press shuffle, and then promptly closed his eyes again, sinking into Spencer’s warmth. He sighed sadly as something very soft and mellow started playing through his earbuds, tuning out the speech the flight attendant and the pilots always give before taking off. As the plane lifted off the ground, Brendon gripped the armrest of his seat after turning up the volume of his music.


	4. You clicked your heels and wished for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter, sorry y'all, but we ended it where we had to!

On the other end of the plane, Ryan tapped his fingers listlessly and peered out of the plane window.

Jon poked him in the shoulder. “Ryan, stop.” 

Ryan mumbled an apology and clenched his hands, grabbing one of the in-flight pamphlets. To his disappointment, all of the crossword and sudoku puzzles were filled out already. Ryan shoved the booklet back into the holder roughly, and sighed. “How long is this flight again?”

“Ryan, this is like the 10th time you’ve asked me this.”

Ryan groaned, stretching his legs out restlessly. He pulled out his phone, opening things absentmindedly, before grumbling again irritably and pushing his phone back into his pocket.

“Are you not tired?” Jon asked. “Can’t you just go to sleep or something?”

“I fell asleep before we boarded,” Ryan said miserably.

Jon chuckled. “That’s on you.”

“Fuck you, I’m bored.”

Jon pulled an exaggerated face of hurt. “He’s abandoned me. I thought we were friends. I thought I was at least a good conversation partner to him.” He then placed a hand on his forehead, pretending to forsake Ryan.

Ryan rolled his eyes and tried not to smile. “You’re a dork, Jon Walker.”

Jon pouted.

“Are we allowed to fucking get off these seats yet?” Ryan asked.

Jon yawned. “Ryan, we literally just sat down, and you’re-”

“I want to walk around,” Ryan said, uneasily, looking up at the seatbelt sign, which was still lit. “I don’t know why. I don’t want to just sit.”

Jon looked at Ryan. “Is it because of Brendon, Ry?” he asked softly.

Ryan whipped around to face Jon. “What?”

“You- you seem anxious. Uneasy. What’s wrong, Ry? Did- did Brendon do something?” Jon asked, sympathy evident in his eyes.

Ryan looked away. “No,” he mumbled.

Jon took a deep breath. “Look, Ry,” he said, “I don’t know what’s going to make you see this, but Brendon’s not going to be able to handle you leaving, ok?”

Ryan inhaled sharply. “Jon-” He warned.

Jon plowed forward. “No, Ryan, listen to me. You’re everything to him, do you understand? If you leave, he’ll break. Fracture into a million tiny pieces like a mirror. And no matter how hard Spencer or anyone else will try to fix him, he won’t be the same ever again.”

Ryan gulped.

“You can’t do this to him, Ry,” Jon said gently. “You’ll break him.”

“I-I know, I fucking know, Jon, but-”

“I don’t think I can watch both of my best friends destroy themselves.”

Ryan froze and turned to Jon again. “...Both?”

Jon nodded. “Yes, both. I’ve seen the way you look at Bden. I’ve been here the entire time, Ryan. I saw the way you hugged Brendon this morning. I saw you fall asleep on his shoulder. I saw the way he kept looking at you while you slept, the way he made sure you were propped against him properly.” Jon looked up and down Ryan’s face, as if searching for answers. “You both are very close. I can tell, Ryan, you two haven’t done a great job at keeping it subtle.”

Ryan stared at Jon, eyes wide open and fearful. “I-”

Jon cut Ryan off. “No. I’m watching you both break. Right in front of my eyes, Ryan. I can’t watch this. You both are being fools. You both want each other…” Jon sighed. “Why are you pushing him away?”

“What do I do, then?”

“Go back to him, Ryan,” Jon said, as if it were obvious. “Get him back. Don’t leave. Don’t let him leave. Don’t fucking let go of him when it’s evident that he doesn’t want to let go either.”

Ryan looked down at his hands, thinking. Then, he looked back up at Jon, smiling. “Since when did you become so fucking dramatic and poetic, J-Walk?”

“It’s one of my many hidden talents.” Jon winked badly at him, and Ryan fell into a fit of giggles.

“Seriously though, you two are so obvious that half the fans think you’re together.” Jon deadpanned, elbowing Ryan, who blushed.

“Shut up, Jonathan. At least I’m not the one who’s known for their sandals and cats.”

Jon gasped. “You dare insult Dylan and Clover?”

Ryan laughed. “I’m not fucking insulting them, Jon. I’m making fun of you, stupid!”

Jon’s mouth dropped open in mock surprise. “How could you, Ross?” he exclaimed.

The two of them burst into a fit of giggles. When they finally managed to catch their breath and the giggles faded, Jon put his hand on Ryan’s shoulder and smiled. “Seriously though, if you leave the band, I’ll never let you pet Dylan or Clover ever again. I don’t think you understand how much you mean to Brendon. Even when I’d just joined the band, I could tell that you had something special with him, Ryan.”

Ryan blinked, taken aback. 

“What are you waiting for? Go talk to him, you idiot!” Jon shooed Ryan away.

For some stupid reason, as Ryan made his way clumsily towards the other side of the plane where he presumed Brendon and Spencer would be, he felt his heart hammering in his chest.  _ This is stupid _ , he thought,  _ all I have to do is  _ talk  _ to him.  _ But even as he reassured himself countless times, he kept thinking about the ways this could go wrong. It could all backfire, with Brendon telling Ryan to stop giving him false hope and to leave the band. There were just too many things that could go wrong.

Ryan shook his head, telling himself that he  _ would _ talk to Brendon, and it  _ would _ go well. He had to do this, for his sake and for Brendon’s.

Ryan kept his eyes and ears open for Brendon and Spencer, certain that Brendon would be talking Spencer’s ears off or would be practically bouncing in his seat, all the energy trapped inside him with nowhere to go. 

It took forever, but when he finally found Brendon and Spencer, he was surprised to find that Brendon was doing neither of those. Instead of being the usual bundle of insane Red Bull-fueled ADHD he usually was, Brendon was completely still, his head on Spencer’s shoulder, eyes closed and earbuds in. Ryan frowned, wondering why Brendon seemed so tired these days. Spencer also had his earbuds in and was looking down at a pamphlet in his hands.

Ryan quickly headed over to the duo and tapped Spencer’s shoulder, who looked up immediately and pulled out his earbuds. “Ryan!” Spencer exclaimed, slightly surprised. “What’s up, man? What are you doing here?”

Ryan shrugged. “Just wanted to see what you two were up to,” he said.

“Oh, uh,” Spencer slowly turned his head to look at Brendon, “I think Bren’s asleep, and I’m just looking through this thing.” He held up his pamphlet.

Ryan nodded. “Cool, cool.” Ryan looked at Brendon again, who was still in the same position. He hadn’t moved an inch, definitely passed out. Ryan’s eyes met Spencer’s. “Uh, do you think I could talk to Brendon for a bit?”

“What about?”

“Oh, I don’t know, just stuff.”

Spencer smirked. “Just stuff, Ryan?”

“Spence, I just wanna talk,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes.

“Alright, alright.” Spencer turned towards Brendon. “Hey, uh Bren?” he said, tugging away Brendon’s earbuds and shaking his leg gently. “Brendon, Ryan’s here, he wants to talk.”

Brendon blinked groggily and sat up. “What?” he said, rubbing his eyes. Then he saw Ryan. “Ryan?!”

“Hey, don’t look so surprised to see me,” Ryan said, a smile playing at his lips.

“But I am.”

“Well, I’m here, this is me, Ryan Ross is real.”

“Wow, what an honor to meet you, Mr. Ross,” Brendon said, cracking a smile himself.

Ryan looked at Spencer. “So, uh-”

“Oh yes, of course, I shall move and give you two some space,” Spencer said, winking. 

Ryan flipped him off. “Fuck you, Spence!”

Spencer laughed as he unbuckled his seat belt and stood, scooting out of his seat. “Ry, what’s your seat number?”

“B32, I think. Just find Jon.”

“Alright,” Spencer said, and he headed off.

Ryan sat down in Spencer’s seat and faced Brendon, who, after blinking away the sleep in his eyes, had been staring wide-eyed at Ryan the entire time. Ryan furrowed his brows, feeling self-conscious. “What?”

Brendon blinked. And pinched himself.

Ryan smacked Brendon on the arm. “You’re awake, idiot.”

Brendon yawned and stretched, his shirt moving up and exposing a bit of his stomach. Ryan’s eyes momentarily dropped to the flash of exposed skin, and then Ryan mentally kicked himself and looked up. “Am I awake? What made the great Ryan Ross decide to sit next to me on this dreary plane ride?” Brendon asked, giving Ryan a sleepy smile.

“Brendon, you fucking lazy ass, I can come sit next to you if I want to. I’m Ryan Ross.”

“That was already established, Ryan,” Brendon said, laughing. “Anyway, what’s up?”

“I- uh... Um. I don’t-”

“Ryan, spill.”

Ryan sighed. “You know, maybe I don’t want to leave the band.”

Brendon narrowed his eyes. “Maybe you don’t want to leave the band?”

“Yeah. Maybe I don’t want to leave the band.”

“Uh, okay, so-”

“And technically, it’s my band too, so it’d be cool if I could stay, you know?”

Brendon smirked. “Are you asking for my  _ permission _ , Ross?”

“I-”

“If it’s your band too, why are you asking permission?” Brendon asked, his voice wavering as he tried to hold in a laugh.

“Oh, shut up, Brendon,” Ryan chided, blushing. “You aren’t making this any easier.”

“I’m never going to make  _ anything _ easy for you, George,” Brendon said, and promptly went into a fit of giggles.

“Alright, stop it,” Ryan said, slapping a hand over Brendon’s mouth. Brendon’s eyes widened and dropped to Ryan’s hand clasped over Brendon’s lips, then looked back at Ryan’s face, curious. Ryan felt his cheeks growing hotter, wondering when he became so impulsive, but he didn’t move his hand away. “Listen, Brendon,” he started, voice firm. “You didn’t want me to leave the band. You didn’t want me to leave, so here I am, telling you I’ve changed my mind. I’m not leaving the band. We’ll- I’m not breaking my promise-” Ryan’s voice broke as memories of the band getting signed resurfaced. “I’m not breaking my promise, Bren.”

Ryan felt Brendon’s lips purse under his palm. Brendon’s fingers closed around Ryan’s wrist, and his eyes shone as he pulled Ryan’s hand down, off of his face. “You- you mean it?” Brendon’s voice trembled. “This isn’t some kind of- of late April Fool’s joke, is it?”

Ryan smiled. “No, I swear, I… I really want to stay. I can’t leave.” The word “you” was left unspoken, but Ryan knew, in his heart, that he couldn’t leave Brendon. He just couldn’t say it.

Brendon tilted his head, a smile spreading hesitantly on his face. “I know. And that’s why I’m here for you.” He moved his fingers from Ryan’s wrist to his hand, and laced their fingers together, thumb brushing over his tattoos. “I’m really happy, Ry, I- I really didn’t know what I would’ve done if you left. I’d fucking- I don’t even know, who knows what would’ve happened to me if-”

“Hey, I’m not leaving the band, so we don’t need to think about that, alright?” Ryan said, voice assuring.

“Alright,” Brendon whispered, squeezing Ryan’s hand gently.

“Alright? You’re not going to give me some lecture on how much I change my mind, or how selfish I was-  _ mmmmf- _ ” Ryan was interrupted by Brendon pressing his lips onto Ryan’s mouth. 

He slid the hand that wasn’t intertwined with Brendon’s up to cup the back of Brendon’s head. Suddenly everything was okay. He didn’t need to worry about the future, or what would happen once they got in the studio again. He had Brendon, and that was enough for him.

When the kiss finally broke, Brendon rested his forehead on Ryan’s shoulder and sighed.

“This is gonna be a long flight. Wanna watch a movie with me?”

Ryan just laughed and turned on the screen in front of him.

As the plane touched down at the airport, Brendon was still groggy from sleep, with Ryan having shaken him awake as soon as the PA system went off. Though his neck ached from the hours of sleeping on Ryan’s shoulder, his sleep muddled mind calmed him down somewhat, and he wasn’t as shaky as he would have been as they touched down. 

Ryan stared over Brendon’s shoulder to the scenery out the window. “Feels weird to be home. Good, but still weird.” He nudged Brendon’s shoulder “‘Specially because of you.”

Brendon blinked. “Feels weird...because of me?” he slurred slightly, closing his eyes again.

“I mean mostly good, because I’m coming back home with you, you know? But when we boarded the flight, I didn’t think this would happen.”

“Mmm.”

“Brendon.” Ryan smacked Brendon’s thigh, and he jumped.

“Wh-”

“Wake up you lazy child, you’ve had like 14 hours of sleep. We don’t need you to be bouncing around when we get off the plane.”

“Ryannnnn,” Brendon protested, but it sounded more like “hgnnnnn”.

“No,” Ryan replied, smirking. “C’mon, B, we’re going to get off soon.”

Brendon squinted at Ryan, eyes still heavily lidded. “Ryan, we’re home,” he said, a huge goofy grin on his face.

Ryan touched Brendons cheek. “Yeah, we are.”

“You...you wanna stay at my place for a while? I mean- I’ve got nothing to do, I’ll be all alone, and that’s no fun, you know, so it’d be really cool if you could-”

“Of course I will. Brendon, I’m not going to leave you ever again.”

Brendon smiled, and as the plane ground to a halt at the terminal, it felt like they had arrived in a new part of their lives. Something they’d been searching for, and finally found, and now they were finally, truly home.

Ryan intertwined his fingers with Brendon’s and he, too, smiled at last.


End file.
